darkplaces
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
Losing the faith. Not completely sure - which in itself is lack of faith. Faith in my faith, or faith in myself? Faith in myself to keep faith? I don’t mean to confuse, but I am confused. It’s not just my intentions and my actions and of course the actions that I’m not taking, it’s also that in the past there were lines I wouldn’t cross but now I don’t know where that line is. Or if I’ve already crossed it.
I suppose it’s a bit like thoughtcrime; how different is considering to commit an act and committing the act? More than just considering it – actually willing to commit the act, in a certain frame of mind, given set circumstance. “Would if you could”. There aren’t physical consequences as one hasn’t took action but the morally the game has changed. It feels similar to actually taking the action.
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I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself, mainly because of my friends. My friends are beautiful and I truly do love them though I’ll seldom admit as much to nearly all of them. Yet they upset me – I wish that they were all one big happy fairytale family – instead of all being so different and in some cases disliking each other to say the least. This does not please me, as I know then that we’ll never all share the best of times together. I feel that this situation probably reflects me, a firework of disappointments, exploding and shooting into all different directions chasing different dreams and fizzling out with a slight anticlimactic whine. This is probably the source of my loneliness. Though I may meet friends shooting in a direction or two similar to me, I’ll rarely find a firework that flies off in a way like I do. I have some friends for some faces of mine, and other friends for other faces. And no friends for the other other faces. The one who set me alight must have stowed away all the fireworks like me, waiting for another unsuspecting pyromaniac from far away to take the let-down fireworks off their hands.
I love these guys, and I want them to stay as pieces in my puzzle. But the pieces adjoining mine… I feel like I haven’t found them yet. As much as I hate to say it, I’m dissatisfied with my friends. I know in my heart that it’s horrible, but it’s time to stop shielding myself from truth. The ones that matter know I still want them and I hope they don’t lose love for me for that. We bros, I’m lost man.
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Sometimes I’m not sure whether I’m using my religion as an excuse or not. I mean for example alcohol, that shit’s fine it’s just always been irrelevant to me and I care not for it’s influence. But relationships? I say I don’t get into that stuff because my religion forbids it, and though I can’t follow every rule, that there is a line I can live without crossing. I used to know for sure that that was why I didn’t get into them. However I’m not so sure now – I’m convinced the nature of the culture of my family has some sort of influence on this, though the main reason I’m worried it might be is harder to face. I’m thinking I might just be too scared to try. To try and find someone like me, to try and find someone who’s mere company I can enjoy. I want to feel it but I’m not sure whether I’m too disciplined in this case or just too scared. I don’t think I’d take rejection well either, plus things fall apart and I tend to do that too.
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