Thought & Reflection

call

2012-02-13T20:42:00.007Z

shins shaking world, quaking
splintered bones aching, make
me wonder why I'm here I,
thought that,
she'd be near, felt
better, less weathered over
the weather, positive forecast
withered, quivering little boots
cold shoots shivers
spine, tingling and
everyone is watching me,
because I don't belong and
they sense that I'm lost, wrong,
presence yearning to flee from...
there's no joy in this vacuum,
night fell already and I'm screaming
and I'm weeping,
but still, no answers
from her,
I swear I'm not lying
I only wanted to help I
was simply trying, why,
did it have to be so hard?
though things were never easy with me
but, I know now
too many expectations
only explanation, for always being let down
giving way knees buckle, boot
strap buckles clang the ground, and I'll
never leave this mound of broken emotion,
flesh, blood, bone and maybe a soul, maybe,
a living grave,
senses fall away,
and I can't quite see
the rain patter or smell,
the wet stony street or feel,
the hordes swarming over me or hear,
the sound of the world,
moving on
without you, or even hear...
she's calling for me

Complaints

2011-12-25T16:19:00.017Z

It's getting on to 3am on Christmas Day. Think it's time for another lifespiel.

~~~~~~

Weird. That infamous initial semester at university, been chillin'. Now holidays.

I've never felt more unsettled in my life. It turns out that with great freedom, comes great aimlessness. Spring onward, life was about making it to this point. Somehow, I managed to wield that willpower lazing around my stomach somewhere into an unstoppable force with cause. I long for that feeling of success. Back then, I knew determination was nothing if one did not endure, but the race just extended and I can't see a finish line.

There is pain. Acknowledging your wrongdoings and fixing them is not pain. Being unable to prevent the negativity that you see approaching is not pain. Being hurt is not really pain.

For me, it's knowing you were able to stop it happening, knowing that you should and still can stop it happening but knowing that you're not going to do a single damn thing about it.

There's no why, there's no how. There's only what and when.

The pain, for me, is knowing I've walked this path before.

~~~~~~

You could say I'm a solid rock, of sorts. I'll always be free, I'll always have time for you.

There's no time I'd look forward to spending without you. Rely on me, as per usual, to pick you up when you're down.

Depend on me, and with consistency I'll support you. You can expect me to be there.

A solid rock, you can expect me to be there. Don't ask, just assume; everyone assume, and no-one asks.

A witness to all your actions, a passive observer to every little victory, every major hurdle. Every

good deed you never spoke of, every pointless squabble you always spoke of. I'll remain as people come and go, unbeknownst to all.

A presence dependable, but unnoticed - like a good solid rock should be.

~~~~~~

I'm not blaming you, any of you. I can't help but feel it's probably all of my own doing.

I am man, a product of my environment. But the responsibility of me lies with me. This I know.

When you don't really fit in anywhere, different things can happen. Every situation can be come an issue, you run from them.

Or, you can dive straight in. You learn to adapt, but if you don't feel comfortable with that adaptation, you keep adapting - always moving, never staying for too long. This latter path leads you

to become a bit of an adept when it comes to adaptation.

I suppose this goes hand in hand with my mellow attitude, calmly waiting for the other pieces on the board to make their move. Thinking of it as a game is probably the wrong way to go about it, plus I tend to get a little extremely fucking competitive. Possibly a reason for my insecurities?

However it is similar to a game in many ways; constantly coping with challenges, keeping up to date allies and especially enemies, fighting to stay relevant and control your corner of the ring, and then expanding. Divide and conquer, use subtlety, or brute, blunt force...

It all depends on the end result you're looking for.

A very apathetic way to look at it - but I care, honestly, I swear! I care too much, most likely. If there is such a thing as caring too much.

It all feels so made up though when no one else seems to.

~~~~~~

It needs to start with the superficial things. Lifestyle changes. The return to the top demands a change of strategy. Thus begins an era of experimentation.

One things for sure; I can always count on me to tell you all what I'm trying to tell myself.

~~~~~~

Wanting what you know you can't have, you're only doing an injustice upon yourself by ceaselessly chasing.

Chasing, you race, and you pace, but once face-to-face, what is it you plan to do?

You planned for every outcome, for every action, except this, and only this. Afraid, you're worried by the consequences.

Stop the chasing, drop your pretenses - unless consequences of rest scare you as well.

Pathetic, you regret it, you let it, let it lead you. Like the Earth bound in orbit, quaking out of spite, to know effective benefit, you're set upon your path - the only one you've ever known.

You tear yourself, every moment you try to walk and run, declare yourself to be everything and nothing.

You wouldn't call yourself a pessimist yet you see only negatives - but only in yourself.

~~~~~~

Bruised, many shades of blues, the howlin' wolf could only whimper, whimpering for you.

Standin' around cryin' muddy water tears, the King himself said the thrill was gone.

You lost what made you you, leaving a plastic shell behind.

It was cruel of you to leave this shadow, teasing me with what we once had.

~~~~~~

Moments/A Vent

2011-06-02T16:49:00.006+01:00

Life's filled with moments.
Moments to die for, people always say.
Moments to fight for, to suffer for.
What about those moments we keep living for?

______________________________

Sometimes when I speak it comes out wrong,
So I just sit, nod my head, get along.
Speakin' what I mean seems kinda hard
Plus my minds there in part but my heart's somewhere far.

You can't take back what you said, a sound, memory,
I'm safe hidden in my thoughts, delete words on-screen,
And I never meant to say what I did as I did or how,
But I guess you wouldn't be happy with it anyhow.
Just needed someone listenin' 'bout ma position
Persistin', get your attention but can't maintain sessions,
Aggression then depression I regret them decisions,
I only hope I learnt to ease the tension.

I remember how I felt when the damage was dealt.
Couldn't believe it wasn't what I perceived
But with ease you reason, oh it's evil intent,
And your tears wash away good times y'all spent.

But that's wrong!
He said it was the duality of man,
That behind every hater stands a fan.
He showed me to take yin with yang,
They co-exist or no-exist, try to understand!
Distractions attackin' me preventin' my soul
From reachin' truth and implementin', that's the goal.
I never sold my soul 'cause the devil wouldn't buy it,
Roots grow the same no matter how much you dye it.

No matter how far I strayed God blessed me reset,
So it's time to stay on my path and earn what I get.
He who doesn't stick to his principles doesn't have any, right?
But life is compromise, wake up each day just to get by.

Sittin' in the park with ya, reminiscin',
As we catchin' up we never knew what we was missin'.
I'll be regrettin' the little things missed like goin' cinema,
All that time next to ya when I coulda got ta know ya.

Took time for me to choose which friends were the best,
What mattered, what I'm after, but the train may have aready left,
Like when I sprinted, smashed the button but the lights are gone,
Doors shut, engine rev and I wished ma way home.

At times we do what we do just to get money,
But we forget it's means to ends ain't it funny?
'Cause all along we searchin' for what makes us happy,
But when life flashes before me at the end what will I see?

'Cause when I held her close I thought I smelt heaven,
But as I raised my head in Mecca I knew I truly felt it.
I could do no wrong in the place I belong,
One week passes and I'm on a plane back 'home'.

My mind so twisted tongue didn't know what to say,
Wasn't even sure the three-million crowd was bigger than 50k.
Silently I scream turn stone cold as I open the envelope,
Future fixed in a day and all I could do was smoke the night away...

I'm scared I spend too long in the past,
That I don't experience memories new,
But stop hands up pockets emptied,
And here I am, a broken record proving myself to you.

I'm dazed, dreamin' of what the future holds,
Keep telling me it's time to take control.

The voices, they say make choices, that you can live with.
Though I don't like regrettin' these decisions and shit,
These oppurtunities always passin' me by.
Just wanna be ready,
Time to make choices I'm willin' to die by.

A Thug Changes, and Love Changes, and Best Friends Become Strangers...

2011-02-24T03:42:00.018Z

...Word up. ~ Nas

It's... 2011? Everyday, look at the clock, the calender, the train ticket to that same place – yeah, it's 2011. Look at the blog. No, not the blog; the progression of my life. It doesn't feel like I have changed so much, but then I wake up in the ~~morning~~ late afternoon and realise I have. It's been a long time since I acknowledged that.

A long time since I used this. Used this utility, as it exists solely for the need of a single, simple function. When I slip, this helps me put myself back together and I carry on.

Today, I do not write to pull myself back together.

Today, I write to steady my stance, to avoid slipping.

_______________________________________________

“Carpe diem.” “You only live once.” “It's now or never.”

One assumes there is much wisdom behind these phrases, and the many others that touch upon that common theme. However, the context is what defines the wisdom of these words.

How do we use these philosophies? More often than not, I would say we, in this society, use it to justify putting off responsibility for enjoyment.

“Out? Tonight? Nah man, I've got that essay in for the morning. Actually you know what fuck it, let's do it.”

The flipside to this is that you only get one shot at life, so don't do what you'll regret, do what you know you're supposed to do.

I'm not trying to judge what matters more here, I've already asked myself whether it's better to do good or to feel good, or what's really important in life before.

It's the justification that intrigues me. The way we use it to justify our actions. Why must we justify our own actions to ourselves? We all do it; commit an ambiguous deed and think 'Should I really have done that? Ahh it's fine...' If we were so unsure abut the action, why do it in the first place?

The initial course of action is surely the instinctive one, and thus it's just who we are. It shouldn't have to be subject to justification, maybe.

On the other hand – yes, there is always another hand – it could be our attempt to go against our instinct, our programming, that shows our true colours. When we think about things before doing, rare as that is, could be when we can be seen for who we are.

Do we justify then to keep the yang in check? After all, while the yin always equals the yang, it is ever subtle and hard to understand.

Still, I must reattempt to only do what feels and I think is right.

It sounds so easy, but giving in to temptation is effortless... it feels almost natural.
_______________________________________________

The prevailing issue with the introvert:

~~Sometimes~~ Many a time, I look back at older blog posts, experiments, creations and think to myself, “What the fuck was I on?!”

_______________________________________________

Many feel that drunkenness amplifies one's feelings and reveals the heart's nature.

I'm surprised by how insecure some people can be.

You should never be afraid to be yourself. You have nothing to prove to the ones you call 'friends'. Your reputation is a myth, the only way to earn respect is to be who you are, stay true to yourself and live life without shame and with humility.

Word of advice? Don't ever be someone's bitch.

_______________________________________________

I am the alpha.

The alpha radiation, that floats through crowds of air particles, meeting many but never staying for long. I begin my journey with the sincerest of intentions, pure positivity. But no matter how hard I try not to, I still manage to attract large amounts of unwanted negativity. They doggedly tail me and drag me down, and after a short while, maybe only a few centimetres, I feel like such a shithead that I'm absorbed into nothingness.

The source, my bed, emits a new me every morning and the cycle continues. I need to break out of this, but I don't know how long I have left until I reach the end of my (half)life. Enviously, I look across to see gamma, who's reach is far and wide. Gamma doesn't pick up the negativity I flee from, and it takes a lot to stop him.

Something to aspire to.
_______________________________________________

Desire? Appreciate.

For me? For you.

Fight for? Die for.

You don't know what love is.
_______________________________________________

I do what I do, for all the world to see, if they like.

You laugh.

But I have seen the centre of your mind's eye, that moment when you let your guard down and I know, I know you.

Your fears, your wishes, your many little insecurities. Your joy, your sadness, everything you concealed.

Laugh all you like, feel free!

Just know that we're all searching for true selves, fighting, struggling, enduring. You cannot escape this, it'll always be with you, inside you, it is you.

Laugh all you like, but in the end it is you who will take the fall.

Don't get left behind.

Please, for all our sakes, sort your shit out!

+ Dexterity Modifier

2010-06-23T01:19:00.006+01:00

Isn’t it funny, how you never notice the extent to how bad a situation is until you can’t stop it?
Isn’t it funny, how you never notice the above statement until long after it’s relevant and helpful to know?
Ain’t it hilarious, how we’re always too damn late?!?

“Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause Im not fucking laughing Ni-ko-las!”
- Rory Breaker, ’Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels’

Or to put it less bluntly, life’s idea of a joke is a little bit more than a minor inconvenience, it’s at least a tad infuriating. And I really don’t understand why it is this way.

I suppose the only way to prevent dangerous incidents is to be constantly prepared.

You never know when the chance you so dearly cling to will be snatched away.

What this says to me is that I should always be myself. I need to stop stalling, stop timewasting before it’s too late. If I ever need to act, I shouldn’t put it off.
Most importantly, if I’m ever willing to hack down controversy before it gains momentum, my sword should be swift and my aim true.

I can still be chill, as per, now that I have differentiated between being chilled and being disconnected. One must know when to act. The most crucial aspect of any challenge is timing.

Several years of video gaming experience has taught me that. ;P

_______________________________

I am content.

Not completely, but very much so.

It is a strange feeling, to feel satisfied on the whole.

There is no direction for me to drift, glide, fly towards… There is no expectation, no inspiration.
Many would feel comfortable remaining in such a state… I feel comfortable. Yet my mind tells me I shouldn’t, and don’t. My mind tells me there are a great number of tasks to be done, and targets to be met. My heart knows this reasoning to be true.
What then, stays my hand?

Perhaps I am discontent in my… content.
Perhaps I am uncomfortable with being... comfortable.

This is no paradox; this is simply the yin and yang, the two halves of me struggling for dominance.

The duality of man, so to speak.

Maybe, just maybe, I am not purposefully still. Maybe I am stuck, as the spinning gears jam, teeth clashing and leaving me shut down.

I suppose I must choose, to reanimate myself.

Do I desire to feel good, or do I desire to do good?

_______________________________

Beads of sweat converge down my skin, as the sun slowly squeezes hydration out of me. Foreign rays are relentlessly roaring at my body, beating me like battle drums, and the sun’s war cry tires my muscles. When I inhale, the impurities of the air infect my lungs until I lose focus and will. It’s as if the negativity of everyone around congregates, and strikes at the heart. Stumbling forward, sinking to my knees, then skin upon stone… An anchor inside the earth, with the force of my weight intensified tenfold, brings me to the ground.

I’m only human.

No. Close your eyes, and make sense of your troubles. Sit up. With every action, a reaction. React. There is no time for the weak in this place, yet you are given time. Show your strengths, eliminate your weakness. There is no glory in defeat. There is no honour in hesitance. Surely, there is no humility in abandonment. Stand. Peace is not given or inherited… Peace is earned. Fight to acquire peace, then fight as it’s guardian. This world is here for you to walk upon, these obstacles for you to overcome. All that stops you, is you. Open your eyes. Now go, and do what must be done.

Change the world; you’re human.

Tentative

2010-05-06T20:03:00.004+01:00

So I went on my pilgrimage… and it feels like I’m still there. Even now, when I wander between home and school and home, life is still surreal. I haven’t felt at home since I prayed the Morning Prayer for the last time in Makkah.

I had once written that ‘home’ is wherever the mind is, because without the mind, one is lost, abandoned. Now I realise that ‘home’ is where the mind is at peace.

While without the mind, one is lost, it is just as vital as the spirit and the body. They all need each other to function; it is not a luxury, it is a necessity.

There is a place where the mind, the spirit and the body exist in complete harmony. Where the actions of the body are humbled, where the mind accepts that the world is flawed, and where the spirit learns to embrace the world anyway.

I am restless, for I no longer reside in the place I consider ‘home’.

___________________________________________

The pilgrimage has developed many thoughts, theories, musings, concerning life and death and everything after in my mind, though I think that it is not for me to share with you.

After all, the meaning of life is to discover what we ourselves believe is the meaning. It is not about the final conclusion; it is about the occurrences along the way.

___________________________________________

In February I talked of how I longed to get away from those who strayed from the path true to themselves. Alas, this cannot be the case. We must learn to live with those we despise, though without allowing their corruption to spread. This is important in these recent times where people begin to show their true colours and where their allegiances lie.

Lao Tzu suggests the yin and yang are not moralised, that they were made to ebb and flow seamlessly, without our pre-existing ideological tendencies.

I’m tentative about embracing the yang along with the yin… though it is we who have separated the yin from the yang in the first place!

___________________________________________

She’s back.

I love her with all my heart…. But I’m beginning to love her in a different sense. This allows me to keep my head on straight – I can no longer allow her to be my blind spot.

Progression is encouraging ^_^

Acceptance

2010-02-17T01:00:00.005Z

Wow, it's been a while, ain't it?

I guess I could talk about how we move into the new year starting a new era in our lives of change for the better, and all that jazz, but we all know New Years' and the resolutions and pledges are all just bullshit...

Truth is you just label the date differently with a brand spankin' new suffix , though life goes on and brings and takes away the usual... same ol' same ol'.

Nevertheless, I am beginning to think I have moved on into a new era of Tayyab. The new age has dawned, the banners raised, the seeds planted... Nothing to do with a new decade however! Things like this don't happen over the course of one night, they take a while for you to realise it. Now that I've realised... I'm not sure if it feels good or bad.

This is acceptance.

That grim recognition, when the battle has already been fought - won or lost, it matters not. For all you can do is go along with it, sometime or another. You don't get a choice, it is the way of all things. We tend to just put it off for as long as possible, simply because we could not comprehend accepting such madness. Then one day we wake up, and it's already done and dusted.

I think I am glad to have undergone this now, although it doesn't make me happy. I needed this, although it doesn't feel good. To know that the path I want to run down so badly is the one barred from me. Still, old news is old and the future awaits - It is good to move on.

But it just doesn't feel like it.
____________________________________________

Acceptance, yes.

Sometimes when I see or hear or think of her I fall into a relapse, and I have to suppress Pandora's fallout. Cram it all back into the Box and keep that shit on lockdown.

This becomes more infrequent over time, I'm getting there. Gradually.

Freedom is at hand!
____________________________________________

Umrah.

It is a small pilgrimage, that last barely a day. You go, wear some nice clothes and stay clean, then you pray, and walk, and pray, and walk, and get a haircut. And then you go home.

I can't wait!

I want to feel that cleanliness of the mind, body and spirit as I enter such a wondrous land. I want to step out and feel the blistering heat scorch my skin like it did to those before me. I want to wake up in the morning, look out the window and be overwhelmed by the epic, sheer enormity of the world around me. To bow down inside the House of God, within reach of a small slice of paradise that exists on our decaying planet. To taste the pure, healing water and let it's purity hydrate me. To leave behind what's wrong, emerging from the deserts as the man I want to be.

I don't want this to be something I'll hold into forever. I want this to become a part of me, to become me, to be me forever.

I can't wait!
____________________________________________

Hi Karma.

I'm thinking more and more about the consequences of my actions recently. I have come to the conclusion that being kind-hearted and generous is considerably better than any other alternative.

Whether it's me offering a lift to someone and then being offered one in turn when I needed one, or giving money to the buskers and receiving some when I needed some. It just works out evenly in the balance of things I guess, life's good.
But I wonder... when I choose not to be so generous, how will karma settle the score? What will happen?

Obviously I'm looking into these smaller actions deeper than I really should but hey, I believe it's the little things that make us unique and show our true colours.

Hi Karma.

I'm waiting...
____________________________________________

One of the reasons I can't wait to go on Umrah.... it will be so relieving to fall out of touch with all the people I know for a while.

At times I feel like a slave to my ringing phone, my flashing MSN conversation window and my flickering Facebook screen.

I'm becoming sick of these people...

"You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time... But you were wrong." - Harvey "Two-Face" Dent, The Dark Knight

Why are the decent so few in number? Where have all the real people gone? It feels like some of us have been abandoned, left to linger amongst those who are true to no-one, including themselves. The rare few I've met who seem genuine and good give me hope.

It feels like the ability to communicate is our gift and our accursed parasite. As we meet more people, the more they infect us with their abhorrent ways. I just want to stay away from them.

Where is our dignity?

Where is our morality?

Where did our souls go?

Sweet Dreams

2009-12-23T15:49:00.004Z

Three years... three years ago, across the road, I was mugged. I can see the spot from my window - better yet, I walk through it everyday. I walk through it everyday, without a care. It is just a place, some pavement, a bit of kerb, a brick wall - nothing unusual about it, classic Levenshulme. Why today, why now, why do I suddenly hold a thought for this place?

It is because it is a reminder of who I was three years ago, and how I am not that person now.

It serves as a symbol of change.

We don't know we change, until it is very, very old news. I'd hope to have changed for the better. But who can tell? We don't know whether we've changed for the good or the bad until it is far too late to do something about it.

Actually, how do we know which changes are good, and which are bad?

I don't know what's good for me. I know what I want, and what I don't want. It is much harder for me to distinguish what I need, what I must have, must do... what is good for me, and what is not.
As individuals, we are the worst judges of ourselves. We are also our worst role models.
We always want to just be 'ourselves', but now that I think about it... I don't really know who "I" really am. I merely know who I'm not.
We live our lives in a state of "trial-and-error", our hindsight guides us.

I want to do the opposite... I want to reach my target by aiming for something, not by wasting my time avoiding all else...

___________________________________

The thing about change, really, is that there are only two types:
The change that we know is happening, as well as the change that we don't realise is happening.

When the latter occurs - which is all the time, we are constantly fluctuating - we do't notice as much. It tends to happen in the back of our minds and we sort of just flow with it... We don't know things have changed until we stop, look backm take a trip down the worn, weary paths of memory lane.
We just flow with it.

The first type of change, on the other hand, is quite the opposite.
When we know about it, it's always on our mind, and more often than not, it's painful.
It hurts, and we are petrified of it, like blind men stumbling forth into unknown, labyrinthine dungeons...
We can only stand and watch in horror as the things we know are inverted, and life switches up the system; we just don't know what to do.
It's painful.

___________________________________

I have experienced the slow, constant change recently. Two months since I last wrote for this blog, I'm beginning to feel that I don't need it as much now. I've found my balance, planted my feet in the pedals and the rest should be well, like riding a bike.
We'll see how it goes.

I've experienced the other change too.
She's the epitome, the personification even, of all that I can't leave behind.
I have to, but the reason I can't is that I don't want to.
Sometimes.
Sometimes I think mere memories holds be back from moving on, other times I sigh, knowing I will forever remain a shell of what I wanted life to be.

So this is me, picking up the baton and sprinting on, hoping to let go of what is holding me back.

___________________________________

Here, a present for bearing with me - a little story I wrote, or a nightmare I had. They're one and the same.
I'm sure it will shock or mortify you or even pleasure someone out there. Whatever.
These dark parts are what I am leaving behind. So I leave it here, for anyone to see...

Happy Holidays.

~~~~~~

I'd been waiting for that moment my entire life.

It took careful preparation, and I took caution in my approach. My psychological barriers could only be vaulted by physical declaration of intent, followed by the practical demonstration. I knew what I wanted, my eyes pushing aside any and every potential obstacle. When it was my time to shine, I had to take full advantage.

First, I needed to look the part. Our appearance is a subconscious statement of how we feel, and my passion was unparalleled. I groomed myself into someone that would make a mark, leave a mark and be remembered. Soon after, I faced a greater, deeper challenge.

I was never raised to prey on the weak, but I became infatuated with the prospect of power. Subsequently, I learned to manipulate. To manipulate, you must know your... “subjects”. Knowledge is power. She was only ever predictive in her unpredictability. Her expectedly unexpected action and emotion was what sold her soul to me; she needed me. This meant I had control over her – Control is power.

I had to become a ghost, merely hanging and haunting the horizons of her mind. I had to become a vulture, readily awaiting a moment of vulnerability only to swoop down and devour the life of my prey. Some would say it's disgusting. I say it's making the most of opportunities. Simple business.

So I waited, and I waited and I waited. And then she broke. She poured her heart out to me, while I drank it all up like a good friend, like the person she needed most. She began to pour her soul out along with it, until I crushed them and us into nothingness with one swift motion.

Was I ready to forsake all beliefs and morals I'd ever held? All the things I knew to be true, I denied. I spurned what I had been taught, what I knew was right for this moment of desire. This train of desire could not be prevented from reaching it's destination. My triumph was inevitable, for I'd fought too long and too hard for this.

She cried on my shoulder, her body clinging tightly to mine – along with her destiny. She held me close, then I held her closer, tighter, harder. Her hands wrapped around me dependently, then my hands wrapped around her wrists forcefully. She walked through my door for shelter, although it was I that locked her in. For one single second spanning centuries, she held back her tears in confusion. Then with one life-wrecking sudden realisation, the dam was broken and tears flooded out more intensely then ever.

I stifled her screams with the power of combined palms, which soon turned to pathetic whimpers and lifeless sobs. Her shield was easily ruptured, her guard easily penetrated. My spear was sharp and my aim was true, therefore I reaped the rewards for my dedication. I looted her body for all it was worth. I pillaged her body and purged all that was pure inside of her. Mind, body, soul – she was under my control. This was truly power.

It felt soft inside of her, exciting and new. This was my first ever experience but I knew what to do. I held her so strongly we were almost the same person. I searched around, looking for different things to try, to take. I thrust deeper and deeper, digging down and down 'til there was surely nothing left. In my haste I had taken everything from her, and the only thing she had left in her was me. And in one final triumphant moment, I made my mark, I left my mark, I made sure she'd remember. This scar would last forever, she would never heal from this.

When I was done, I leaned over her supple skin. I pressed upon her perks and parched myself on her as if it was where I belonged. The scent of fear was fresh around her face, those barely conscious eyes staring into mine holding emotions she didn't know existed. Her soft lips quivered amidst the tears streaming down her face, and I could only see beauty in her helplessness. I settled my lips on hers, although it was not a kiss. I knew then, as I know now, that it lacked the feelings that a real kiss had, yet I tried to emulate them anyway. As tongues entwined, no love was shared. Her angelic fleshed embraced with mine, while I slowly sucked her life away. Then I was finished.

I had given this everything, but now she is gone there is nothing left in my life. Sometimes I miss the times we shared together, although those sweet memories are tainted with the selfish actions I took. She could have been mine, if only I'd asked and not taken. If I'd just... been sincere and true in my life... she could have been mine. I only realised I needed her after I had destroyed her. I ruined her, and her life will have never been worth living after what I did. What had I done? How could I have done something out of...love? I don't call it love, it was not love. I don't know love. Only regret. There is nothing else for me to do. All I have left in my shadow of a life is regret. Regret, shame and sorrow.

Minesweeper

2009-10-13T17:39:00.005+01:00

The groggy, dazed morning sun rises, struggling to shine through Mancunian clouds holding the ever-imminent threat of rain against the city's throat.
A cold breeze chills our spines, gradually egging us on to our destinations, while we, the sleeping awake, drift in and out of focus...

I like to notice the world, and the best time is when I'm travelling. There is one time of day which I always take advantage of; It restores my faith, I guess.
Leaning over the balcony, I can see the bustling and hustling of the people, their activities are interesting enough... But it is not them I am interested in. I can see beauty. A system of rules, safeguarding drivers from injury. It's only the law.
I just can't help but love it, the way these cars go this way then and then this one turns so this one gives way and red light is stop and green is go... And every car keeps on going and going and going... Until some human comes and doesn't cross the road at the traffic lights and all cars stop and everyone becomes frustrated and they all nearly crash and cars don't go anymore...
Just 'cause some guy was too lazy to walk a few extra feet or whatever. It just shows people can be a part of a system. But individuals can't.

The individual person is a walking, talking asteroid of chaos, ready for heavy impact with everything in it's path. It's all fair and well to look after your own interests... but as individuals we take it too far, we're too absorbed with our personal selves...

When we get so many individuals together, it's like manoeuvring through a minefield, one step over the line incurring an explosion of emotion - and then you have to watch out for the remaining fallout of subtle expressions.

I'm not so good at Minesweeper, so I'd prefer to have some sort of walkthrough guide, or at least some sort of cheat code. Infinite lives would also come in handy, as would an extended time limit I guess...

And they say life isn't a game...

I Remember

2009-09-28T19:10:00.010+01:00

I'm so FUCKING ANGRY these days - and it's becoming increasingly harder to pinpoint why. Is it the endless cycle of school, homework, a bit of sleep and then more school? Is it the sheer incompetence of Dell hardware, maybe, that makes me want to punch stuff really, really hard?
Actually, it probably is. For every message I receive on MSN or Facebook, for every YouTube video I click on, for every time Spotify changes tracks... there's a pause, an error, a crash... it's driving me insane. This brick of a laptop is one piece of crap I can't wait to be rid of - though I spend so much time on it. Gah, can't wait to get a computer, it's getting harder to stay patient though...

Still, I think what's troubling me most is other people, and their problems. It's not their problems which annoy me, it's how they can just leap right into the shitter and bring it all on themselves. Then, they have some sort of idea that they will always be helped right out of it, like magic.
I'm all for lending a hand to someone in need, although I'm not partial to having my benevolence abused...

An astonishing variety of relationship problems have somehow found their way into my - the guy who doesn't have anything to do with it's - presence. The joke's getting old quick, however it really is something to see the hills people can climb and the valleys they can tumble down into.

Recent times have had me encounter people who can be like drugs - luring in, then destroying the lives of unsuspecting, freely-emotional wanderers... And they're incapable of holding their own, you have to throw out a net before they splat and leave a mess all over the carpet.
There's another pair who seem to be unable to make their mind up - if they do get together it'll be in a retirement home...

Perhaps I'm being a little, a lot, maybe incredibly harsh with my reaction - after all, they're the ones with the problems. I'm getting so grouchy I'll probably need a walking stick by tomorrow afternoon =[

We encountered a barely-conscious boy lying on the floor today, so we helped him out. There was never any doubt to our intention to help him... It just goes like that. That's how people should be, we should look out for each other, in my opinion.
So I when I told someone what'd happened, I was mildly surprised to hear the reply, "Took him to the infirmary? Why?! Should've mugged him and left him there!" Is that where we're headed? It seems like people just get worse and worse as the days drift by... but you don't notice until a sudden realisation hits you every so often. I've even seen people who seemed to be good friends all go out of their way to spread rumours about each other, completely out of the blue.

When I say we should be loving, nice and peaceful, some ask why should we?
Well, why should we go out of our way to be mean? It's not really in anyone's interests, no-one gets anything out of it. So, why?

_______________________________________

The thing Ramadhan's fasting has helped me most in is prioritisation... It really shows you what's more important and I just have to keep on holding on to these values throughout the year... The way in which I want to improve most upon from last year is just my general take on things. If one were to have a more optimistic approach, surely one would have the optimal experience?

It's all about making the most of things which I will do, starting by getting on top of things; I'm sure it'll all be fine if I stick to the plan.

_______________________________________

It's really hard for me to understand why some people "can't" listen to music without lyrics. With music, you don't have to take any sides, you're not forced to choose between music with vocals and music without... So why not enjoy both? Some say the lack of lyrics to sing a long to detract from the experience. That's utter insanity, though, because instrumental music has so many great attributes that other songs don't.

What they can do is swing your mood in the subtlest of ways, which is great for winding down, motivating yourself or relieving a bit of stress. They can put you in a place no song restricted to someone's voice can. I don't want to be restricted to the voice of the singer, the lyrics written for it. I want to be able to make what I want out of a song. Sometimes, when I hear the music, I'm transported to a different place, ready to venture into lands unknown to any other being, to my own soundtrack...

And other times, I lose myself, drifting off into ultimate bliss.

For those few minutes... I'm free =]

_______________________________________

I don that similar guise, I almost-but-not-quite miss the 0743, I walk that same way... every day. The familiar crunch of leaves beneath my renowned footwear indicates my path to me - I've travelled this route enough to not pay attention any more. The usual bunch is scanned by that guy who looks like JD from Scrubs and works in Tesco... The same impatient faces stare out at me from behind the wheel, as I'm crossing the road with a "Good morning," or a "Thank you," for The Lollipop Lady...

Then, out of nowhere, that wave of nostalgia splashes against me. At the usual time, I remember that things are not how they used to be and the future we once apprehensively acknowledged has come to claim the present.

Now, we have more time to relax! Now, we have a better studying environment! Now, we get to learn the interesting things that we want to learn! Now, this, now, that! Now we get priority over the school... Lucky us, eh?

I don't know whether this is worth it, and I don't know where it leads...
All I can think of is how I wish things were the way they used to be. It's getting harder to motivate myself because it feels like it's become worse than before... I miss the times that have passed; quite frankly I want to just crawl a few months back on the time-line, dig a little hole and just stay there.

Back in the good ol' days!

Of course they probably weren't as great as they seem now - the past just keeps getting brighter and brighter.

It's mainly the people. Those who have left... Sometimes my memories form into a shadow of a person, walking around as if it were real...
Then it all fades away into nothingness like a cliché.
Picture the sands of time slipping from our grasp, swallowed by the winds of change...

I love the new people I've met so far but... They are different people, not replacements of those who moved on. You can't replace a person.

So those melancholic reminiscences could haunt forever.

_______________________________________

I don't know how I feel about her any more...
It's weird, not knowing what you feel.
I guess there's nothing to do but wait and see if it all will eventually just dig a grave and dive in, enclosing itself inside a shell for me to leave behind...

But I've already been waiting for so long!

_______________________________________

"You can't tell me just who you are,
You buy new clothes just to hide those scars,
You built that roof just to hide those stars,
And you can't take it back to the start..."
- Lupe Fiasco

AvPD? ...among other things...

2009-08-28T00:48:00.022+01:00

"The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly"
- Tyrell, 'Blade Runner'

_____________________________________________

"AvPD" is the acronym for something called "Avoidant Personality Disorder" - not to be confused with "AvP" (Alien vs. Predator).

Recently, I decided to list my fears. There was the usual bunch like 'spiders', but there were others that were similar...

I am afraid of texting people on a whim. I continue text conversations but I don't start them; if I have a reason such as needing to tell someone something, then I will. But a simple, "Hey, what's up?" is, according to me, too much for me to handle...
I don't like phoning people. I can't carry a conversation, and I only call people unless I have a reason - again, a simple, "Hi, how's it going?" is a step too far...
People consider me to have a wide range of friends... Oh, how I would talk to these friends if I weren't so afraid of adding them on MSN. Besides, it'd mean nothing - I only talk to like, the same five people on MSN anyway. It has been this way for a while.
These few I talk to, I don't mind starting conversations with. Most of the time. I sometimes want to talk to people, although fear inhibits initiative. So I just sit and leave MSN on and sit and sit and then someone talks to me and I feel less lonesome than before.
I don't like writing on people's walls on Facebook. I don't mind saying Happy Birthday, however in other situations I wait in trepidation for the reply.
Same goes for commenting on people's activities. Then again, I think I'm getting better at that =]

...Among other things.

WHY?

Because....
I am afraid that people secretly dislike me...?
I think that's why, anyway.

"People with AvPD often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected or disliked."

AvPD is indicated by the subject showing several of the following:

Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
Shows restraint initiating intimate relationships because of the fear of being ashamed, ridiculed, or rejected due to severe low self-worth
Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

Symptoms include:

Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
Self-imposed social isolation
Extreme shyness in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships
Avoids interpersonal relationships
Feelings of inadequacy
Severe low self-esteem
Self loathing
Mistrust of others
Emotional distancing related to intimacy
Highly self-conscious
Self-critical about their problems relating to others
Problems in occupational functioning
Lonely self-perception
Feeling inferior to others
Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

I feel many of the above symptoms. Well, technically, I perceive myself to obtain many of them.

I dunno. What do you guys think?

_____________________________________________

Yesterday, we were given our GCSE results. It was a strange day, almost ineffable in it's flux of fluctuating feelings... It was hard for me to digest all the happy faces of the relieved, who were finally able to breathe easy simultaneously with the numb, resigned expressions of those who fell harder than others...
They say the higher you rise, the harder you fall. I was lucky in that I peaked early, therefore fell early. I was given time to pick up the pieces, fix me. I did it, too =]

Not everyone scraped it through though.
There are two students - both did not make the grade to pull through into our school's sixth form. But they did not meet the same fate...
The reason the first student was accepted and the second was not comes down to some simple reasons, I would assume. You see, the first student, while not always academically outstanding, put a lot of effort into other areas of the school. The student's antics in several extra-curricular activities showed their devotion and desire to do what they can.
The second student did not try so hard. The second student did not hand in homework assignments, let alone represent the school (although the second student's reasons for this were understandable to a point).

There is still a lesson to be learned here...

Carpe Diem.

"Seize the day". The first student made the most of their time, and it paid off in the end. It was this attitude that tipped the balance in the student's favour when it was needed most...

You have to make the most of the time you have - while you still have it. The smallest of actions could snowball into changing lives, and you don't want to be left behind thinking of what could have been.

After all, it's our actions of now that decide our future's fate...

_____________________________________________

Three months can feel like a frightfully long time. People can change a lot more than you'd think possible; she has changed into something which I could never imagine.
I was... scared of what I saw. Scared of what I felt.

And then, I became scared as I did not know what to do or say to help make it better.

That is not my role.
That is not how I roll.

I struggled to make sense of my thoughts, figure out how to handle this... Then I was struck with an epiphany, in the form of the right song being played at the right time on shuffle - inspiring me to think on another level, to take the situation into my hands...

My hands... are going to be gentle, they are going to sculpt a masterpiece and re-shape her back into her.
It will take time and effort and willpower from the both of us but I am willing to go beyond the horizon, to the places that cause you to wake up sweating, panting, crying from your nightmares... I have to do it.

Thank Allah, for giving me some purpose and direction.
_____________________________________________

"Struggle... yeah yeah, another sign that God love you,
Cause on the low, bein' po', make you humble" - Lupe Fiasco ('Real')

I hope so, 'cause I'm really struggling at the moment.

It is Ramadhan.

The fasting is becoming normal, although there is much more to Ramadhan than fasting.
It is about discipline - I'm trying to prove my discipline by rejecting certain desires. I did reject those desires, but life had more in store for me. You know you can get given an offer you can't refuse? It's everything you want, and it would bring happiness to you (or you think it would).
Then you refuse this offer you can't refuse.

Tempted, yes, however I remained steadfast in my discipline at this moment. It was hard. I am wondering if I will come out of this phase unscathed - although it was what I thought would make me happy, I spurned it. Maybe when I can look back at this decision and be pleased with it, maybe then I will have been granted happiness.

Until then I will continue to follow my principles.

To go against the principles just once would undo every past deed.

I'm not gonna throw my good deeds away, no matter what temptation life throws at me next...

...Summer?

2009-07-20T01:35:00.014+01:00

I'm on a boat.

We sit, speeding through the Persian Gulf and the whizzing and whirring of the engine drowns out the sounds of water slamming against water. The sky is clear and the sun does not allow anything to co-exist with it in the space above us, like a paranoid king's attempt to thwart his throne's usurpation. The little energy we have so early in the morning melts under the heat rays that attack this part of the world as a relentless force, leaving no room for talk; all I can do is think.

As the boat tears through the sea, it's splashes and ripples always remain a step behind the bow. We sail this dagger, slicing through the Earth's surface for it's blood to spurt out to the sides of our buoyant blade. Look how our boat cuts cleanly! Look how the splashes make a mess, in their haste to catch up to the front of the boat like a race. A race between something made to win and something desperately clinging on to it's chance to stay in the race.

I am thinking of how the boat is like the person who stays focused in the journey from A to B, and the splashes are those who do not get ahead but still get there in the end. But see how they make a splash along the way? Meanwhile, the focused boat covers it's tracks and no-one knows of it... but the splashes... the splashes affect all around it, and ripple the surrounding area with it's life, it's energy, it's action.

I would like to be similar to this splash. I might not finish in first place, but that isn't my goal. What I desire, is to affect all those around me, splashing something positive in their lives to help them.

I want to be heard. I want to be remembered. I want to make a change.

I need to make my splash.

______________________________

I've really noticed the several aspects of me these past few months... Some attributes are constant, while other parts of me are changed like clothes... I can be one person at school, another at home, another with friends, another out and about, and on and on and on the list goes...

Exhibit A

...is a face I wear often... Here, I can be more sociable, down to earth and maybe a little materialistic I guess. I won't be bothered by your negativity, you won't crush me. It all bounces off of me, as long as I have my Irn-Bru. I have no feelings, no, I can't be hurt. I have Irn-Bru. I'll joke a lot, and I'll be uplifting. I'll try to help everyone out, and I'll appear to be chilled; I wear this face at school mainly.
Look! It's Tayyab. When there is Tayyab, there is Irn-Bru. That's all there is to him. Only one layer to that Tayyab - a bit of banter and a bit of Bru!
And there's nothing else to him.

Exhibit B

...is me. Always. This is my core. Sometimes the "A" mask slips and people can glimpse "B"... People can glimpse me. I'll always care, even if you say you're okay. You don't fool me, you don't convince me, my mind assumes the worst and doesn't leave it alone, doesn't drop it. Ever. All the little things matter, I notice. Every droplet of information gets absorbed, I hear you and I won't tell you I do. Anything you say will be found out. Trust me.
I'll always take things to the extreme and I'll think the worst of every situation. Maybe I think too much. I always think, it goes deeper than the surface. Everything has an ulterior motive. I look at everyone as an enemy and never turn my back. Even friends, and those who may not deserve it, are shielded from me - just in case. I have my reasons, my standards, and my principles. I will meet them no matter what the cost.
I want to help everyone, I want everyone to be better, that is my ultimate desire! But do they deserve it? I will help, even if they do not deserve it - but I want the people to learn; to improve.
I want the best for everyone, although it is hard for me to help while I constantly anticipate your betrayal.

Exhibit C

...is like a layer of continually fluctuating clothing. Like material sliding all around me to get the perfect fit. I change this part of myself periodically... Just to see what happens. Like tuning a car, until you get the optimum performance. This part of me changes at my will, in order to find out what fits - to discover who I am.
The pros and cons of different actions in different situation.
I'm searching for the right combination of me.

"But I still haven't found what I'm looking for" (Bono)

And I'm becoming tired of being different to how I feel. But I can't survive if I act how I feel.

______________________________

Summer's going just how I expected it to - it's awesome! Everything's falling into place and I'm having such a chill time, it's all been worth it and I regret nothing.
I wish life could always be like this but the time is coming to show that I'm worth it.
Soon, I will have to show I've still got what it takes, and there's a future ahead of me I can't see but must plan.
Others are depending on me to make it, and I am my only hope.

I am willing to die, making a change or standing up for what I believe in - however these fantasies of martyrdom are shattered by the reality. The reality that it would be selfish of me... I don't want to, but must, find stability somewhere and sort it all out. Set them up for life, at my own cost.

It's no longer about whether the shit will hit the fan - because the shit WILL hit the fan.

It's all about how fast I can duck...

______________________________

I saw her today.
Spent the day with her...
It was just amazing. She's amazing. I dunno what to do.
I can't find the words to show this feeling...
I feel emptier after spending time with her.
She's going.
She joked that if I spent a week with her it'd make up for the fact that I won't see her regularly any more.
I joked that I'd probably suffer withdrawal symptoms as soon as the week'd end.

A day was enough though, she's one pretty addictive substance!

I... just don't know what to do now.

*sits and twiddles thumbs*

.

Distortion

2009-06-21T21:10:00.005+01:00

In my mind, I had it all planned out - I'd thought, "Yeah, I should probably stick something a little more positive in this... After all, s'not like I'm some pessimistic emo!" (Am I?)
Anyways, that didn't go to plan. But that's how life is, I've found. We can plan as much as we want but no matter what, we get given what we're given and just have to make do with that.
Things won't go to plan, but I have to adapt in order to succeed. And I will, because that is my only option.
________________________

Holidays are a highly underrated phenomenon, in my opinion. There's more to them for me than decent weather, fun activities and relaxation.
Holidays are a break from the norm, an opportunity to escape the daily life, and all the emotional baggage that goes with it. I can't wait, because I'm going to really appreciate leaving behind friendships. Although they can be what keeps you going through the days, you can become so attached to people that you come to depend on them... Soon, they can begin to control you. Therefore I reckon it's good to take some time out for yourself - just to retain control.
________________________

So now we're all free from school, exams and all of that pressure. Most people have got everything sorted out for them by now. We just wait, and wait, and wait through the summer holidays and come September, college/sixth form we go. I wanna go to my school's sixth form, and I hope I'll get in 'cause I never bothered applying anywhere else. But what if I don't make it? I could be accepted, but then I need the grades to back it all up and most of all, money.
I hate money. Money makes you, and having no money means there's no you. This is where the world has come today. Nothing else matters except how much you have; we're forced to make or break. Thing is, when others have unfair advantages, what can one do?
It's... worrying...
________________________

I'm sitting on a wall in a garden, just noticing the strange antics of the drunken as they pass by. I sit, I wander, I waste time away because there is nothing else I want to do more. The cloudy sky forms a shelter from the sun that they fear so much in this state, while I sit pondering relationships and how they fluctuate under the influence of alcohol...
There is a crowd, gathering in the corner. They jump and they scream and they become less than human every second. A friend sticks his head out of a tent, looks around, and his face says to me "What the fuck?" He shakes his head as he crawls back into the arms of salvation. This crowd gathers round a single tent, a tent where what's going on is the inhabitants business I guess. From jumping, the crowd goes on to leaping over the tent and soon to just crashing right into it. It's a complete invasion of someone's personal space which takes it's toll for quite a while. Those few who are faithful, or who have a heart, are left to merely just stand by.
They leave the tent to encounter the grins and the jeering and mocking of the crowd, edging them on and further and further away... Complete humiliation from the people who have pretended to be friends with them for the past few years is their reward for all the stress they've had to face for previous months.
The people that matter rush to her aid while the crowd is still too sub-human to do any more damage. Later, they'll say they are sorry and they weren't in control of themselves and it wasn't them and that everyone else was doing it and this excuse and that and this and that and this...

But she knows who her friends are now. Hopefully, she'll recover knowing this and use it to her advantage.

The people was can laugh with and joke with and enjoy spending time with are usually not our friends. I know that they could and would probably stab me the moment I turn my back to them. My friends, are the ones that will be there for me, that care for me, and that I can trust. I can depend on my friends, and they will aid me. It is good to now be able to distinguish between the friends and the actors.

It's bad to realise how few friends I have...
________________________

Ackk, I don't want to think about her but I want to.
I want to be with her but that's torture.
Everything has a double-edged blade and the one facing me always hurts more.
Everything has an ulterior motive and life becomes a lose-lose situation.
Priorities move and change, sometimes fading away completely.
And all that is left is her.

She's going, and I don't know what to make of it.
It's like, I dunno, I'll probably never see you again.
This... sucks ass and I just don't know how to put what I feel into words.

It will either be the best thing that'll ever happen to me, or it will destroy me completely.

How exciting.
________________________

The thing I love about music is that it is complete release.
Music is a friend that will always understand you, and always has an answer.
It knows how to portray what you feel and think.
The right music can be the perfect person to talk to, and it speaks directly into your heart.
________________________

Well, might as well end on a postive note.

You get some people who relish on wanton violence and havoc.
But most people seem to be willing to lend out a helping hand, deep down.

The road did not end where I thought it would and I still have to walk on as the path goes harder.
What's nice is that some people who can help will help.
It's a nice thing to know about people - that there is some good in the masses.
It makes it worth sticking around for.

=]

A Story

2009-05-29T00:15:00.007+01:00

Intrigue

You are my cliché experience.

From the moment I laid my eyes on you, when I caught sight of you from the corner of my eye – and so on and so forth and anything else I might have missed.

For days I could just churn out phrases from this urn of overused, underrated words that are spurned by so-called 'intellectuals'.

Is it cliché to speak from the heart? (If so, then I'm oh so sorry for offending your literary sensibilities.)

As I stepped into my new life, I wasn't prepared to see this spectacular anomaly among anonymous faces. Only my eyes caught the glimmer that glanced off this single jewel amidst rocks.

Addiction

I love it!

I want it!

I need it!

Now!

Inject me with life, take me beyond the constraints in my mind holding me back; take me wherever, forever.

Wait, keep it away!

Knowing it is wanting it, and wanting it is needing it.

But... how can it really be so bad?

The way it just generates positive vibes, and makes everyone so... happy.

It's so beautiful, so kind, so perfect in every aspect.

I want it.

I want it for myself.

But if I don't have it, I keep both eyes on it. It's mine. Made for me. I can feel it!

I see it in all it's glory. Only it. Nothing else. What else do I need to see?

It calls out to me... that coy smile, that shy stance doesn't fool me. Behind that façade is a soul yearning to entwine with mine.

I feel it brush against me, hold me, it's cold skin desperate for my touch. It's subtle kiss teasing my lonely flesh...

It's smell... It's taste...

I love it!

I want it!

I need it!

Inject me with love – Now!

Conflict

Prepare to witness mass apostasy,

'Cause my philosophy includes committing atrocities,

With this feral ferocity that hits heights at a velocity,

So brutal it's just a monstrosity,

I'll be blastin' bullets into bitches like a blitz,

Of shotgun shotgun shells,

You'll need more than stitches,

Before I take you to another dimension,

Your only defense could be divine intervention

And then – Wait

There's gotta be another path than this way of wrath,

Which I walk on alone,

Nothing awaits me at the end of the road,

Just another lonely way to go,

So I'll switch my rhythm to that of a pilgrim,

Migrating through riddles so I can survive the schism,

That's splitting my heart,

And holding desire and destiny apart.

If I act the bigger man with a plan,

The time to bear arms won't ever come to pass,

My other self can be outclassed,

He that dwells in the dark an stalk the nights hunting for fights -

Pull my slugs out and slug the fuck out show you how to thug o-

No, persist with an unreal will of steel which you can't kill or steal-

Slap you up son and slowly crush your skull-

Never let up, I can stop what I'd begun-

The battle goes on...

Melancholy

“Oh, believe me, they'll love you. They can't help it, don't worry – it's only natural. It's worked thousands of times over, it's flawless. They'll lap it all up as usual but, hell, with a story like yours they'll back you a hundred and ten percent! Letters, petitions, demonstrations... you can turn this all round, might even soften the judge up too! It'll be a breeze, just trust me. However I'd just like to run through a few things with you before the interview, if you don't mind...? We've got plenty of time...

They thought of aborting you? One in four chance, eh? Not bad, we can say you were cursed from the very start, it's an omen and all that. Childhood memories... we'll call it a split childhood – a little bit of Mum and a bit of Dad too right? Remember to emphasise your torment, it's important. Describe the fight in as much detail as you can, but try to watch out – you don't want to break down or anything but don't be emotionless either. It's affecting you – sip some water every so often, fake shaky hands, we'll capitalise. Hope you don't if we build up a bit on your Dad's crime and remarriage, it'll make you look traumatised. Prepare to answer questions about him – we've only got one chance to bring out your inner self, let's give it our best shot.

So there's a further split, huh? Between class, culture and... your social life. Is your personality the only thing about you that isn't spl – actually, never mind. Forget I said anything... So, we're gonna make your dearly departed friend here look like the bad guy. You're the real victim of this tragic love triangle. Don't worry about it – when we're through with this, it's going to look so morally grey people will believe the murder's justified. You do your part and we'll do ours.

Hey, you okay? Oh don't even pretend to look sad, I can tell you're enjoying all the attention – it's written all over your face.”

Agony

What is a life worth when one's merely living to die?

Take me. Take me and save me.

I can feel you coming for me. I can taste you in the air.

Draw closer, and cross me off your list.

I told you I couldn't live without it.

It's there, everywhere I look. Hidden behind a veil in every thought, only to spring out and take me by surprise.

Shocked me. Almost gave me a heart attack.

Almost.

So close.

Close, but not quite enough.

Never enough.

But please, come for me and take me away.

Sweep me away, under the rug – In the same way it swept me off my feet.

Come close, and prove me right.

Then I may have peace.

At last.

This cold turkey fills me with uncertainty, my inadequacy and tendency to under-perform is underlined by this understated intensity of agony – but I've not quite been taken under...

Take me under!

End it!

Where are you... Come back, don't leave...

Don't leave me!

Take me!

How much longer must I resist this...?

Regret

Dear Diary,

Why did I do it? I mean, I just can't figure out why I did it. I've flicked back a few pages, I've read my reasoning... but I just don't understand why I did something so damn stupid! He's just gonna think I'm an idiot now for like, ever... It won't fix, he hates me, I know it. Ugh.

We've known each other for so long, I think. Is he really able to just forget me, though?

Me? Forget about me!

He must be so hurt, how could I do that to him?! I wish I could just go and comfort him and care for him and it could all be like it used to be – but I don't even know if all that was real. Was it?

Maybe he was just faking it the whole time.

But he pretended he cared, that's something.

Why couldn't I be like that?

He's going away. He won't come back, not for me. I don't know how I can fix this but even if I did it's probably already too late.

I just can't do anything.

If only I'd kept my mouth shut.

I can hope, but he won't take me back.

He won't.

He won't, that's all there is to it.

Until a better day,

Sorrow

So what, am I supposed to be left alone with my feelings now?

How great.

When my heart is a parasite poisoning my body, each beat a reminder of my mistakes, what do I do?

Every thought eats away at me in my head, and I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm tired of the whole 'flow-with-it' life. It's not worked. Nothing works.

I can't stop thinking, but each thought is pain.

I can't stop hoping, but hope is futile.

I can't stop lamenting how I brought this about myself – how can someone damage their self to such an extent?

Each moment contains thousands of doubts, hopes, and fears – but every single one pains me...

Why still walk this path?

Faint hope, that retribution is achievable?

There's nothing else for me to do but reap my reward from this – more punishment.

Where do I go?

There's nothing for me to do.

And there's sure-as-hell no reason for me to – any spark that may have once motivated my spirit is long gone.

Exile myself from all that I know.

Exile myself.

___________________________________________________

Move On!

" Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Don’t let yourself down
And don’t let yourself go
Your last chance has arrived

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now "

- Muse
(Butterflies & Hurricanes)

People... "Stop being friendly, collect more friends"

2009-04-30T18:40:00.004+01:00

The lines have been blurring, and sometimes I'm finding it hard to separate things.
As I fight to stay afloat deep down this well, the foundation stones begin to crumble and so I merely await the blocks to fall upon me.
I don't need to deal with other stuff while pressure's slowly tumbling towards me...
...Although my ability to prioritise is slipping from my grasp, and the lines are blurring.
____________________________________________

I don't understand why people would greet you with such enthusiasm and upbeat feeling, but immediately steer the conversation to you as soon as you're out of earshot...
When we talk about someone behind their back, is it with simple desire to discuss or is it malevolent intent? Is it both?

Furthermore, I'm trying to figure out why we get so uptight and snappy over the trivial things...
____________________________________________

So as stated above, the whole "bitching" habits people have is annoying.
And now I'm gonna try something... Maybe if I typed a little about people, I'd be less likely to in a place where it'd cause damage.
Plus, here I can protect their anonymity I guess... =]

A - So I've known him a while but still, I coudln't tell you too much about him. And I'm not sure if that's a bad thing or not.

B - Everything she does baffles me, and this worries me. Her outlook on life seems so... wrong? I can never tell what she's really feeling towards me - Am I her friend, or just someone to cling to when she's slipping... We need to talk more but I'm half-convinced that'd still solve nothing. I'm scared for when she finds what lies at the end of the road she walks.

C - Well he's been taking it for the past five years, hell, I don't know why he gets out of bed in the morning. Crazy kid.

D - Almost everyone gets to her and I just want to hold out a helping hand - and teach her to chill a little so she'll enjoy life that little bit more...

E - I'm trying to help her get by. She's a great person with a fantastic personality and a lot of potential, so why does she have things so shit? It just ain't fair.

F - She's wonderful. But so sensitive it's... mad. I hope she learns things aren't as bad as they seem so that she can calm down a bit. And I know we should strive to help those we love but, surely our friends shouldn't drag us down? There's only one person keeping this boat afloat.

G - He's just another of the many people who I'd love to know better... Mainly 'cause he's chilled out, shit's fly.

H - Guy's an idiot, is he as one-dimensional as he seems? I don't get what certain people see in him.

I - I love that he doesn't give a shit... but he can say some weird stuff sometimes and it just scares me when I think about where his head's at.

J - Does he have a deeper layer or is he the straightforward face that he puts on with a smile all the time? I should know him more than I do.

K - She knows people I know; I simply wanna know her just to make sure she's alright.

L - I think he's the one most likely to become a psycho serial killer one day. I mean, I think he should realise what people's attitudes to him are. Maybe that's what's made him the way he is. Or is it the other way round; his attitude makes people think that of him? I wonder if he has any sense of morality at all.

M - Why is everything we talk about so materialistic? Are you really that plastic?

N - I don't even know what to say without giving my self away here. But I just wish she was clear with things. I'm only trying to help as much as I can... But I dunno, do you honestly even like me? Please, just be truthful me at least, it's all I ask. Why do I think you as one person when I know it's not who you are? Hell, who are you? I think I lost track long ago.

O - So he seems pretty down-to-earth realistic, but then again I see flashes of twisted ideas and I don't know if he's sick minded or something.

P - He's a decent guy once you get to know him. I wish he could realise where to draw the line. Don't try to impress me with your bullshit, it only makes me cringe.

Q - I don't even know you man. It's like, you're that stereotypical to me. Or is it just all in my mind?

R - You seem cool and I wanna know you better but why do you seem so typical to me?

S - It's weird how I've known him longer than everyone else but I barely know him at all...

T - She seems so confident in who she is, and unafraid of what people think of her interests - it's cool.

U - He's such a background, out-of-the-way dude and I just can't help but think deep down he could either be fantastic or
completely ruined.

V - You had it all but you couldn't shut up and appreciate it, could you? Chill the fuck out, man.

W - I dunno where he's at. We're cool but I just need a sign that there's more to life than a bit of banter.

X - You're pretty damn awesome but I just wish you were a little clearer about where exactly you stand.

Y - Stop being so cool, I vowed to try and avoid jealousy but you're tempting me :P. Still, you take it a little too far sometimes.

Z - What the hell is wrong with this guy? He's quite simply put a dick who most people dislike. I'm cool with him but he's pushing me and I don't like to be pushed. Just stop for a second and grow up.

1 - In case you didn't know, being obnoxious is not a good thing - no matter what people think of you.

2 - I get the two-faced vibe from you, but I think we're cool.

3 - Over-exaggerate much? But still, I don't mind. Just don't flip it over and ignore me at random times after being all chill with me other times.

4 - I don't even know him and he bugs me. Stop living off Facebook and don't spit every other ten seconds. I wish he'd realise we all have our deep problems, so his don't make him feel so special.

5 - Can you not just give me a straightforward answer nce in your life?

6 - Stop lying to me, or at least act like you're vaguely meaning the truth when you talk to me.

7 - This dude can go anywhere and do anything he wants, because he'll be able to. But I want to know what he'll do with himself... And I can't tell how he is... What are his thoughts, or is he no deeper than the typical teenage guy?

8 - Is there a heart in him somewhere? I'll never know.

9 - I really don't get this person. I don't know how he handles what's thrown at him, but I don't understand why he does it to everyone else too...

10 - Don't brag, it's not cool. You're full of it and I'm just too polite to tell you to your face. Your heads in the clouds, idiot. Wake up.

11 - So he's seriously fucked up. Nobody wants to tell him he has not chance whatsoever with her. How will he learn? I wish he'd be real. He needs to learn who he is... Thing is, he's one who'd probably go and do soemthing stupid to himself over it, it's needless.

12 - I think he's a permanent child stuck in a growing body. Knock knock, is there anyone in there?
____________________________________________

Not much of a bitching as it was a summary. But still, hopefully it'll help me not blurt out some stupid outburst.

This has helped me realise I need to prioritise the people I know. Draw the line between friend and... associate.

I'm losing hope in there being someone out there more deeper than the average adolescent.

Where did our individuality go?

That Spring Feeling

2009-04-05T21:45:00.004+01:00

A couple of days ago, I sat thinking how I'd begin writing this talking about how I'm finally beginning to settle down, understand and get the hang of things.
Trust the next day to somehow manage to undo any understandings I thought I'd had...
It's quite amazing what a single day can bring, really.
You have the days where time passes by and almost nothing happens - and a week later you don't even remember it. But then you get those days where so many events unfurl that it's hardly believable.
But every single day is made up of those minor victories and defeats, those tiny battles that somehow tilt the balance so that in the end you look back and say, "Hey, a fairly good day," or, "Damn... let's hope tomorrow brings something better."
Just a day.
___________________________________________

As aforementioned, a certain day was pivotal in the coup that usurped my thoughts...
Stupid Fridays...

It wasn't just that day things happened but it was just that one day the sudden realisation that I've got it all wrong hit me.

Every day I enter a place where people seem to be much more talented than me. So I just try to be a nice guy, get a long with everyone, just because I don't want to drag them down.
Keep my head down, get up, get in, get gone, simple.
But no matter what your attitude is, the people come back to bite you. No matter how kind-hearted or malevolent you may be, you get burned.
I don't know why. Is that just how people are? Is that just the way it is? I won't take that for an answer because things are 'just the way they are' because that's how we've made them. And I believe we can change that.
But as it stands, "the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike".

Why does a normal day have to feel like a labyrinth? As if we must manoeuvre through mazes with nor compass nor map; every turn is the wrong turn, and every wrong turn brings consequences. But we're not given a chance to stop, stand still and orientate ourselves. Actions of the past constantly chase us and with them they bring an undesirable fate so we must never let out past catch up with us. Because then we must pay for them.

But this feels like no personal phenomenon, it feels more like an experience the entire species is a part of.
Be it one race suffering because another race's strive for global dominance; be it a friend suffering for something you did several years ago; be it you because your family made one slight error a long way back; we all pay.

You'd think we'd come together and avoid this fate by bettering ourselves. But no, I guess it just isn't worth it to those few in power who got away with it.

___________________________________________

Why can't you save your Machiavellian motives for someone who cares about the games you play?
Conflict with no purpose is conflict with no point.

I just don't give a damn, so cut the crap. Got something to say? Say it. Something to do? Do it.
Don't disguise it in bullshit. Decorated, dressed-up bullshit is still just bullshit.
___________________________________________

Someone mentioned that we are nothing, but a pile of atoms. That we are mere insignificant specks on the universe. And no matter what we do, it will be one day forgotten. Therefore nothing matters.

After some thought, I came to a conclusion that I do not believe this to be true. Here's my thoughts, that I put forward:

"Pile of atoms? Awh hell to the no!

I am a human being. I have arms and legs and physical abilities. I have a perfect anatomy, look at how everything inside me is interconnected, and works in wonderful fashion! See how I respire and blood flows around my body. Watch how the chemicals react and the nerves give me senses. Look at how I can adapt to the slightest of changes in my environment.

I am a human being. I can think. My brain is atoms, but my thoughts are intangible. Metaphysical miracles, marvel at how I overcome obstacles, solve problems, conjure up new ideas. I can choose how I live, and I feel. Emotions, the highs and the lows, the little victories and defeats, and the drive in me that spurs me on. The instinct I have that makes me seek success, is it not amazing how I look to achieve, and I fight to improve?

I am a human being. See how every decision I make ripples out to the world around me, see how I affect all I come into contact in. Have you never marvelled at what we as a species are capable of?

Nothing more than a pile of atoms? No, life is a commonplace, often-overlooked testament to being that bit more than a pile of atoms.

Things not mattering? Things not being remembered?

Well, for me it is a matter of principles. To keep an open mind, I'll try not to bring my religion into this... but well, we've been given life and we make the best out of it, should we not? Sure, everyone will die someday. But the day I stand by when I can help them'll be a damned day indeed.

If I were to save a life, and no-one but me knew of it, does that cancel out it's worth? No one would know, let alone remember. I would have leave no legacy. Does this mean the action was not worth doing?
...You know saving said person's life allows them to go on and affect their surroundings. Each ripple would cause another ripple, my single action allowing one chain of events to happen. The chain turns into a web of events, and has a snowball effect. No one would be directly aware of this, and no one would remember. But it's sure as hell worth holding out a helping hand.

Morals... surely we should subconsciously feel the inclination to do good, and avoid evil?

If everything is worth nothing, than nothing must be worth everything, right?
One slight action worth nothing to you, well, it could mean everything to another...

I'll tell you what grinds my gears - We will never know the true value of life until we lose our own."

Just something worth thinking about...
___________________________________________

The wonderful thing about life is, that though you get some monumental event that can flip your mood topsy-turvy, the reverse still rings true.
Something so simple and commonplace to many can pick you up, and victory seems in reach once again.
___________________________________________

I await what the future may bring with much anticipation.

And The Days Pass By...

2009-02-15T19:18:00.003Z

Wow, it's been so long that I have no idea what to write at all...
I've heard it's usually a good idea to start with the beginning, finish with the end, and fill the middle with... the middle.
But to be honest with you I'd have to plan what to write where and I really do not have the desire to do that. So I think I'll just type it as it comes, spontaneous blogging's where I'm at.
_________________________________________________________

So there was them Christmas Holidays which flew by without events of any worth, activities of much note were hard to come by. I mean, we had that Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years - Same old same old, we have that every year. What's new?
Well, as per usual, we have the gradual pile of resolutions building up. We build up fortresses around us made of promises and fictional determination, which is soon pounded and grounded by the reality check that we know as the post x-mas daily grind where we try to recuperate from overeating, oversleeping and over-everything.
As per usual, the foundations of the year I built crumbled away after about a week or two.

Isn't it funny how this happens every year for how many years and we still haven't learned how to go about this New Years business properly?
_________________________________________________________

One of those crucial cornerstones I'd put in place for my year (and future) concerned exams.
See, I thought I'd hit rock bottom. But, as it turned out, I was on a landing, faced with a brick wall and a dark, shadowed area of the platform. I took my chances and stumbled into the unknown area, and down and down I fell, deep into the abyss, where the darkness swallowed me whole.
There are two vices I keep: Irn-Bru, and Procrastination.
I thought the exams would be an easy ride, and my Procrastination Gland tried to encourage this as much as possible. I'm not quite sure what happened, it all seems so fuzzy now... But I made efforts to cram all the information into my little noggin just before the exam, bled my Procrastination Gland dry and it took it's revenge in the middle of my exams. The only exams I didn't fall asleep in were the ones I ran out of time on - except of course ICT, the waste of a subject, which I finished with an hour to spare and purposefully slept.
It seems alright at the time.
But I achieved my first "D".
Was it worth it?
No.
Am I an idiot?
Yes. And much more.

Thank God it was only the mocks, I need to sort myself for the real GCSEs.

Getting from where I was to where I am was sweet enough, but rising from near-defeat will be the greatest comeback, the sweetest victory.

I must pace myself, and I know that Results Day feeling will do more than compensate.
_________________________________________________________

So it was my birthday, sometime between now and since I last posted.
Only the 16th, nothing special.
I'm just at that age between child and student where I pay full price for everything, lucky me :P
I'm not too bothered about birthdays. Celebrating the days as they count down to the final day, the day I will most likely not be celebrating too much.
I don't mind making anything big of it, I don't care about any gifts I may or may not receive,
It's just a number - real age should be measured in intelligence, in wisdom, not time.
It's all about how you spend your time.
On the day of my 16th birthday, we went on a protest march against the Israeli occupation of Palestinian land.
I'm not going to go into that, this is more a personal blog than a viral political journal.
But what I will say is that I'm glad I donated my time of my day, to help another, who needs far more help than I.
_________________________________________________________

I need a little more self control. (Where "a little" translates as "a lot".)

Not just in getting off my lazy arse to study for a bit, but in other situations as well.

I was out with friends, and we were just deliberating whether we should have a game of Laser Quest. While we stood by the desk, some young dregs of British society, who fly under the banner "chav", pathetically posed as Laser Quest staff. As we exchanged verbal parries and ripostes, our toying lunges were interrupted by a missile in the form of a ball point pen.
The impact was, literally, where my eyes had been less then a second earlier. In the first part of the second, it occured to me how rude it was of this small, wider-than-tall scum to assault me with a writing implement. The latter part of the second involved the failure of the synapse leading to my Self-Control nerve. In the result of lack of self-control, the natural reaction nerve twitched and a moment later I was standing in front of this boy, asking what the damn hell he was doing.
Shoulda guessed his scum brothers would be around and the next few moments involved several pushes, shouts, and what can only be described as unnessecary confusion.
The rest of the night was rather nervously spent, but we managed to enjoy ourselves on the whole.
But it was my fault, really.
If I'd just decided to let it go. If I'd just realised the little turdface wasn't going anywhere in life, and will someday end up in a cell, maybe it would've been fine.
If I could just have been the bigger person and left it at the pen.

It did kinda hurt though.
_________________________________________________________

My German Exchange partner visited, as the second part of the trip initiated. It was an extremely busy week where we were out and about almost constantly. I fell behind in my school work and was tired a lot of the time but it was worth it - all we did was chill. There was something more to do every single day and it surprises me, how much time and money it drained away.
Most people I encountered when my German friend was in school noted he was like my twin, the German me, my doppelganger.
Must've been the hair.
I think I was extremely lucky in my match-up with a partner, and I'm grateful I've made a friend out of this - more than one friend actually.
Meeting new people's a good experience, overall.
I think we take our chances of getting to know people for granted, we should make more of our time...
_________________________________________________________

I prefer high people to drunk people, any day, any time, any where.
Seriously! High people tend to go off on philosophical tangents, and are always up for a good deiscussion about everything and nothing.
But drunk people? Man. Just don't even go there.
They feel their highs higher and their lows even lower.
You see them for who they are, and how they are really feeling inside.
they open their bodies, minds, and souls to you...
And that's seriously awkward!
I try my best to be a genuinely nice guy, and these tipsy people are upset and depressed and I give them a shoulder to lean on...
But when I finally get a chance to chill, it most certainly does not mean I don't mind you texting me for the next day and a half - in the middle of gaming sessions as well!
If someone gets drunk, makes a mess of themselves and then questions me about what they got up to because they can't remember, it's their own fault for drinking in the first place.
I'm just annoyed that people have the nerve to try and have their good times at my expense.
I think people need to realise Irn-Bru is better than any alcoholic concoction they come up with...
Damn drunks.
_________________________________________________________

People like to analyse a lot.
Analyse clothes, analyse attitude.
They look too much into some things, and get the wrong idea.
What has made us as a people so paranoid and so critical that we need to assess every thing we see?

Just because I want to help someone, and to be nice, does not mean people should start assuming things.

But this is turning into a rant - and we wouldn't want you to judge me on that, would we?
_________________________________________________________

Ack, I've been told and told and told to find a job, or get some work experience...
People don't hire unless you have experience. But you need someone to hire you before you can get experience. Endless cycle of doom, anyone?

I have no idea where I'm headed in life, so I'm going to just go out tomorrow and look for some place as a shop assistant somewhere.
Less see if I can talk my way into something, let's see how nice shop keepers feel on Monday morning...
_________________________________________________________

Sometimes it's hard to keep going.
But you have to just plough on, and keep your eyes on the prize.
Think of the feeling you get when you succeed.
Cherish it, and it will never be crushed.
Eyes on the prize.

Balance

2008-12-28T21:47:00.004Z

There's a film being released here that I've been wanting to watch.
It's entitled, "Che: Part One". It and it's sequel tell the story of Che Guevara - a man who, if you do not know who he is, is a person you should go research like, now!
Che fought for a world he dreamed of, where he was not controlled by a Capitalist government, a world where people were equal.
This world he dreamed of Communist.
Which one is better? I'm all for human equality, yet I'd hate to live in a Communist country.
I'm not a fan of Capitalism, where the rich become richer and poor poorer, but without this Capitalism the laptop on which I type would never have been created.
It is clear to me that a balance is needed of the two, in my dream world...

________________________________

You know those times where somebody says something and you think it might be an off-hand comment or have deeper meaning?
Or when something happens and you think it was just a slight gesture or it was a sign?
Or if you saw something and you think it could be coincidence but the again it could be a metaphor for something more meaningful?

Sometimes I know I'm too oblivious, while other times I think too much too deeply about said comment/incident...

I need to find a balance here...

________________________________

What is balance?

Is it left and then right, or is it just middle?
Is it sometimes highs and sometimes lows, or just one standard centre position through out?
Is it too little of one thing and then too little of the other later on - or is it neither of each?
Is it equal amounts of all, or just none of everything?

I'm lead to believe it's equal amounts of everything as opposed to having nothing. I think this because of the Chinese Yin-Yang culture, and the teachings of Lao-Tzu in the Tao Te Ching.

So now I just need to figure out... Do I sometimes have a lot of A and then sometimes a lot of B, or do I just constantly have equal amounts of either?

Pfft, I dunno... I'd rather just go with the flow... I think I'm on one of those 'think too much' moods at the mo'...

________________________________

I think it's like that with stereotypes too...
I'm not too chavvy, I'm not too preppy, I'm not too trendy, I'm not too emo, I'm not too gangsta...
I'm a nice effed up hybrid... whoopdefuckin'doo!

________________________________

I can't stand this indecision...

I want this t-shirt but I want these Converses but I don't know which to buy 'cause I can only afford one at the mo' :|

These whole holidays have been indecision... I haven't really done or achieved anything and just watched life pass by as I was busy doing my nothings and so on and so forth...

I've been procrastinating - But I'll stop it and start doing the stuff I'm supposed to!

...tomorrow

XD

The Sickness

2008-11-20T15:46:00.003Z

Night's streetlights shine through the curtain gap, highlighting all wall and ceiling cracks.
Lids flicker trying to cover my burning eyes, and only tears manage to weld them tight.
Body twists and turns while after each cough I gag and churn.
Writhing in the pain of the heat and hate, feelings mere words can't recreate.
Other nights' usual inevitabilities, it's approach, it's nowhere to be seen.
Those thoughts that scream for an end, that wound that won't ever mend,
The infection has slowly crept over me, but I fight and finally take solace in my sleep.

____________________________

I wake and face it all again...

____________________________

This might be just me, but then it seems like everyone's like this and they just don't talk about it:

Why is every choice we make the wrong one?
How come every path I walk down is the wrong one?

I think that we can be really over-analytical when we see the slightest involuntary action...
Yet when we need to be like that, we are oblivious to signs and don't notice a thing...

Why am I so pessimistic today?
...Must be the sickness...

____________________________

I think maybe I need to not ask why, but just work out a way to fix me...

Win Some, Lose Some, Yin and Yang...

2008-10-30T22:11:00.004Z

It has recently come to my attention that I am not much of a big fan of large-sized text.
It is a painful thing for me to see, and there too many painful sights out there for me to view this one when there is no need to.
________________________

I'm gonna be an uncle!!! :D:D:D
________________________

I went to Germany.
It's a wonderful country, I recommend the few who might just read this go there.
It's a wonderful country filled with wondrous people.
Everyone there is nice, sociable, and cool.
Everyone there wears awesome clothes and they all have amazing hairstyles.

Germans are fantastic. Everyone still holds Germany with the stereotype of Nazis... But it was the German people who unified two countries, tearing down the Berlin wall.
Fighting for freedom, forsaking fatalities, friend or foe.
But still held in stereotypical regard, undeservedly.
Especially from we English, who seem to think we've done nought wrong - conveniently forgetting that one time we tried to colonise like, the whole planet, enslave everyone...

Plus, the graffiti there is one helluva spectacle to behold! =D
________________________

Acoustic guitar tunes always get me all depressed.
It's not the lyrics themselves, it's who they make me think of.
A lot of them are about love, and it is sweet and warming and that to most people.
But me? Well... They just make me think about what I'm missing out on.

My religion is way more important than getting into those kinds of relationships, but well I'm surrounded by the latter more than the former.
And I can't help but dream about what I don't have.
And so, I end up going all typical teen in my wallow-in-self-pity mode.

But the thing is, it's not the relationships in general I miss out on, it's just that one person.
It's been four years since I've liked her in, you know, that way.
I think I always will.
I feel the urge to spout trillions of clichés, the ones I come up with in conversations. She rolls her eyes.
I don't think she realises I speak the truth.
Seriously, it's like every single cliché, every romantic letter ever written, every Shakespeare sonnet, was written with her in mind.

But I don't tell her explicitly how I feel, just hint at it from time to time - because it's difficult to contain myself.
No matter how much I wish she knew.
I won't tell her because it won't go anywhere, we can't and wouldn't engage in that relationship so it would just be another lump of trouble dumped on her lamp unnecessarily if I told her.

Pitiful me. :P

It's funny, she asked why that music which she loves so much gets me depressed, I told her it all makes me think of that one girl out of my reach.
And it's her.

I both hope and don't hope she's reading this. I doubt she'd be reading it though.

It's like a bad MySpace 'About Me' section.
________________________

I'm all geared up like I'm ready for a revolution.
The world could do with another one right about now.

Fuck, give me a pen, pad, mic and audience, and unleash me on the world already!

Thoughts, Progress?

2008-09-26T18:32:00.006+01:00

I feel guilt in my negligence of writing.
I have not written here, possibly because of laziness or business.
Likely because I, like most, don't want to face the truth about myself.
But I return to record my reflections, and I have nowhere else to relate my life - but better an insignificant few bytes of data on the limitless internet, than nothing left of me at all.
______________________________

I like to sit sprawled across more than my share of seats, when I take the bus. I'd say I take the bus fairly often, and on the bus I like to wonder about the lives of others.
On this particular day, I lay back, in a most comfortable position, watching the world pass me by. On the other side of this back seat, a gathering of four girls giggle away. Their stories of how their days went, and how one changed clothes on the bus amuse me. Glances don't hurt and they were quite good looking, if I'm honest. And I'm laughing inside when they try to guess how near they are to their destination and how far off they actually are.
I think, "Wow, these girls are pretty stupid!"
Then I decide that was a harsh comment for me to make. I close my eyes and picture myself: an arrogant, angry, anti-social-looking pupil from a snobbish private school.
Arrogant. Angry. Anti-social.
I'm most certainly not stupid, but that doesn't make me a likeable person, it seems. Yet these girls, not the brightest, seem to be having the most fun, seem to be people you'd like just because.
Intelligence and smartness are material things, as opposed to the essential makings of a human being.
What matters is how much fun you're willing to grab out of life, how determined you are to make every experience an enjoyable one.
______________________________

I started writing in here, to display progress in my desired change.

This beat in me, caged in my head, punching, pounding, destroying the walls of the fortress that is a human mind. Let it not be unleashed upon others, let it fade back into the nothingness from which it came.
Most of all, let the disease not spread to my heart, all that is left pure in me.

Progress is slow, but I must plough on. It is not the only route I know, but it is the only one I know that doesn't lead to failure.
______________________________

I walked the long route home, through those old streets and past those old houses where many memories were made and abandoned in that same place.
The chaos of traffic speeding past so many homes, where so many people I knew lived, and I had visited them long ago.
The tiny pavements had already managed to drown themselves in the early showers of Autumn leaves, each crunch that sounded when I tread the ground another blow to my childhood.
The buildings overlooking me made me feel like crap. I made myself feel like crap. I am barely an equivalent to crap, because I turned my back on what I knew, and spurned my childhood for an unknown, unsure future.
Friends were left behind, I left them in my past. I assembled a boundary between them and me, out of cowardice. A boundary between them which were me, and me who I did not know anymore.
I walk back into more recently familiar territory, where the trees are no more, as sunlight has burst through them and brightened my day.
The bones of the past remained buried, and perhaps they should remain so.

Until a time comes where I can grasp meaning and learn from them.

Change

2008-08-19T14:29:00.000+01:00

The first post - So much to say, but how to say it?

I have never posted a blog before, nor kept a diary. I don't quite know how to do it, but I know I will not do it wrong. For there are no rules, and this is how each one is personal and unique to the blogger. So I start to type, and these words mean more than the beginning of an online journal. These words mark a change.

Slowly, the world around me has changed - the kind of change you don't notice unil it has passed you by. People who I could once depend on are nowhere to be seen; things that were important to me lay abandoned in the back of my mind; abilities I once had are unknown to me now.

I believe this summer has proved to be a pivotal point of my life, and I must look ahead and prepare for what is to come. I'm going to clear away the clutter in my daily experiences, in order to allow me to stay focused on the things I need for myself. I'm going to be more independent, and act only in ways that will benefit me. I'm gonna force myself to be what I want to be.

Here, on the internet, witnessed by the world, I will record my progress on a journey. A journey requiring amounts of willpower I'm not sure I have.

Doubt is the greatest enemy.